Let’s see if the Irish Times prints this Part 4,683.

Dear Sir,

I recently attempted to write a parody of John Waters’ columns. I started with a tortured attempt to tie social media to the Biblical tale of Onan, taking a detour to ancient Greece in the company of Sophocles and Euripides, before bemoaning that the internet gives “a notional equality which suggests that some person with a laptop is the equal of a man with a column in the paper”.

I went on to make outlandish statements like “the professionally-aggrieved who howl ‘misogyny’ continue, as ever, to misconstrue wilfully an attempted examination of pre-misandrist societal norms”.

I finished up with the nonsensical observation that radical feminism seeks not just to deny the rights of fathers but “the rights of God the Father Himself” and called for a truly modern Ireland as envisaged by Eamon DeValera and Archbishop John Charles McQuaid.

I was happy enough with my silly effort but now I realise I was wasting my time. The increasingly sub-orbital tone of his columns, combined with his recent piece of performance art at Wheatfield Prison, proves once and for all that John Waters is truly beyond parody.

Yours sincerely,

Donal O’Keeffe.