The ghastly death of my previously-unknown relative, Mr. P.A. Okeeffe of Lome-Togo

 

Benjamin Franklin: 308 years young and still a man of letters

27th August 2014

Dear Okeeffe,

I am contacting you for the claim of my late client funds that was deposited with the finance institute here in Lome-Togo. Mr.P.A.Okeeffe, who involved in a ghastly motor accident with his family. I decided to contact you as a matter of urgency regarding this issue. I want to present you to the finace institute as the living next of kin so that the fund worth $ 3.5 million USD will be release to you be for its get confiscated.

Respond to my confidential Email Address(barr.benfranklin@gmail.com)for more details and clarification.

Thanks
Yours faithfully,
Barrister Benjamin Franklin.

…

27th August 2014

Dear Mr Franklin,

I am in receipt of the appalling news of the death of my kinsman Mr P.A. Okeeffe. It really is terribly sad. How many had he in family? I pray they did not suffer.

I fear I am a most ignorant man and know little of international finance. You must be a very powerful barrister to have access to such high-powered financial “wheeling and dealing”.

I confess to feeling a little uneasy about profiting from the deaths of fellow members of the Okeeffe clan. I would need to talk with you about this but my first instinct would be (after your expenses are covered, of course) to contribute the money to a charity of your choosing.

On a separate matter, you have a most distinguished name. Are you by chance related to the late Benjamin Franklin, the Founding Father of the United States? He is a particular hero of mine, not least because he was (as you know) the inventor of bifocals. A wonderful invention and something upon which we all come to depend as we “get on in life”!

Every good wish to you, Mr Franklin, my friend.

Donal Okeeffe.

…

28th August 2014

Dear Donal Okeeffe.

Hereby receipt of your reply, and as you rightly know, I got in touch with you in this matter based on the fact that you bear the same surname with my late  client, and the same nationality as I wanted to stay with relatives,without success, and instead, the deposit will be confiscated by finance firm here in Lome Togo, as I mentioned in my proposal, or be asserted by some unscrupulous persons.

Please note that everything that I want from you is to stand as the next of kin and beneficiary of the unclaimed property of my deceased client so that it will be release to you.

I would like to inform you that the next relationship as stated inheritance law, not limited to relationships deceased neither she confessed to the scheme of parental relationships, and this is the choice of the benefactor for whom he wishes to his will (the
beneficiary), either formally write, or informally by secret information disclosure beneficiary, his / her business partner, relationship, relatives, friends or well-wisher, well, so by virtue of the above, I seek consent to present you as next of kin of the deceased client, since the presumptive next of kin died along with him.

It was  the financial firm where the deposit was made  invited me to their office and instructed me as his lawyer here in order to find and submit them to his next of kin for the release of his outstanding deposit to them, the total amount ($3.5 M) only was deposited as a family valuable in a trunk box not in a bank account for your information. It is after this I decided to write to you as a namesake, to help me put in a claim to the deposit for the production and transmission to your name.

I intend to offer you 50% of the total funds, while 50% should be for me.

Sincerely You must immediately send your full details such as your full name to be submitted as a beneficiary to the Finance firm, profession, address, telephone and fax numbers, therefore, I intend to continue in the same submitting to the bank to present you as the only immediate relatives of the deceased client for the subsequent release of the deposit to you in accordance with their normal process.

Forward to me as follows:

1. Your full name……………………..
2. Address……………………………
3. Telephone number………………..
4. Occupation…………………………..
5. Age…………………………………..
7. Your email address………………….

Above information will help me submit application form to the finance firm on your name. You can call me on the phone number as listed below for further instructions.

My Private phone number…+22899625066.

Best regards,

Ben Franklin (ESQ)

…

7th September 2014

Hi Ben.

May I call you Ben? It seems almost disrespectful, like I’m talking to the Founding Father of the United States! I know I’m being silly but I keep picturing you in a wig, flying a kite with a key on it in the rain, with wooden false teeth! (Or was that George Washington? Was it he had the wooden teeth?)

I am terribly sorry at the thought of my relative, P.A. Okeeffe dying such a terrible death. I keep thinking about him. Had he many in family? Did they die, as we say in my country, “roaring for a priest”?

I have searched the internet for news reports of this tragic accident but I am probably not doing a good job. As I told you, I am a most ignorant man. I would love if, to ease my conscience, you might send me a link to news reports of their deaths, God be good to them.

To be honest, Ben, the more I think about it, the less I wish to profit from this horrible tragedy. As a matter of legal procedure, might it be possible for me to engage the services of a solicitor and arrange to appoint you the sole beneficiary of poor (God rest him) P.A.’s legacy?

If I could appoint you the sole beneficiary, I think (yes!) this would be a good thing. That way a good and influential man as yourself would be able to divert the money (which I consider to be blood money) to a good cause.

Do you have a preferred charity?

Although I never knew P.A., I know if he was a true Okeeffe he was a good and decent man and would trust you to handle his legacy..

May the Lord God bless you and all your family for all of your kindness.

Donal Okeeffe.

…

18th September 2014

Dear Donal Okeeffe.

Look if you can come present here so that we can work this out within projetive period of time as it will facilitate the release of the deposit to you as the next of kin.

Let me know if you are willing and capable to achieve this deal with me.

I am waiting..

Thanks

Mr. Ben Franklin

…

18th September 2014

Dear Mr. Ben Franklin,

I must apologise for the informal nature of my previous communication. You are quite correct to adopt such a business-like tone. “Familiarity breeds contempt” as the old saying goes!

My mind is made up. I will come to visit you and we can sort this out.

Maybe some good can come from poor P.A.’s death.

I have never been to Lome-Togo before but I would love to go there, especially if you and I can do some good for charity. In truth, I am not much of a traveller and this would be my first journey abroad in many years. I suppose you could call me “an innocent abroad”!

I have some small savings put aside for “a rainy day” (not as much as poor P.A. did, God rest him) and I would love to go to a sunny clime like Lome-Togo. My savings are not much really (only $19,500). Do you think that would be enough for the flight and spending money while I’m there?

Looking forward to my holiday in beautiful Lome-Togo!

God bless you.

Donal Okeeffe.

…

18th September 2014

Dear Donal Okeeffe,

Thank you some much for your email, which I read and understand very well here your point, that means we should start working on getting a legalized letter of invitation for you, but before than it is very important you open communication with the paying bank so that on your arrival here, after our meeting in my office will both will have to go to the bank together for signing of the final fund release order which will be done by you but before than opening an official communication with the paying bank before your arrival, so that they will tell you the requirement to come down with.

So I will send to you a draft application letter to fill and forward to the paying bank here as soon as possible as the rightful next of kin to these funds.

Still take note that you are 100% at liberty to ask me any question about this transaction for more clarifications about this transaction. So kindly open the attachment fill the draft application letter and forward it to the paying bank as soon as possible to enable the paying bank Ecowas Banque Du Togo International open an official communication and start the processing of these fund on your name as the rightful next of kin.

Waiting urgently to read from you as soon as you forward the application letter to the bank.

Thank you once again for your understanding.

Ben Franklin Esq.

…

18th September 2014

Dear Ben Franklin Esq,

That sounds just super! I look forward to receiving the application letter from you.

I cannot wait for my trip!

God bless you,

Donal Okeeffe

…

19th September 2014

Dear

Here is the draft application form.

Follow the directives on the form and forward your data to enable me get legalized letter of invitation for you.

Thanks

Barrister Ben Frank

…

19th September 2014

Dear Mr Franklin,

I don’t seem to be getting that draft application form. Are you sure you sent it?

Or maybe there’s something wrong with my computer. Some of your email didn’t come through. For instance, it starts “Dear” but then it leaves out my name. Then it signs your name “Barrister Ben Frank”. That doesn’t sound like you!

I guess we’re having “gremlins”!

Could you please send it again?

God’s blessing upon you.

Donal Okeeffe

…

19th September 2014

Dear Donal Okeeffe.

This is third time I am sending the draft application form to you, so
it might be a problems of your computer, so try and open it to another
computer.

You can go out for public computer if you don’t have another computer.

Finally, it is me Barrister Ben Franklin, so never said that it doesn’t sounds like me anymore i am only on my mail account.

Thanks

Barrister Ben Franklin

…

19th September 2014

COPY IT AND PAST IT ON THE WORD FORMAT AND FILL IT, SIGN AND  SCAN AND SEND IT TO THEM BY ATTACHMENT.

..DRAFT APPLICATION FORM………………………………………………….

Mrs. Susan Eichler
Director of Foreign Remittance Unit.
Ecowas Bank Du Togo Lome- Togo
Website: www.ecowastg.net
Email:  info@ecowastg.net

Dear Sir,
DRAFT APPLICATION FORM

Application for the release and transfer of $3,500,000.00$ (Three Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only) from ECT/TG dormant vault A/C N0:11-021-77/ 01/ECTG. Please be informed that I wish to come for the claim, release and transfer of the sum of $3,500,000.00$ (Three Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only) with your bank.

The above amount/money was deposited by my deceased relative, MR.P.A.O’KEEFFE as the heir apparent with all documents of proof to claim and instruct that the above mentioned amount be released to me by bank draft, cheque or the conventional swift telegraphic transfer process through any of your correspondence financial institution either in Europe or America or I will be present. I also humbly request for the services of an accredited resident attorney who will be required to ensure speedy transfer of this fund to my bank account. I have in addition attached a copy of my international passport/driving license or ID card for proper official identification with the below filled personal information.

Private telephone no(s): ……………………………
Private fax no(s): ……………………………………………
Private email address: …………………………………….
Sex: ………………………………………………………………
Marital status…………………………………………………
Professional status……………………………………..
Your names: ………………………………………………….
Nationality/Present location: ………………………….
Age: ………………………………………………………………

I attest herein that this application request is in compliance to your banking internal policies and respect to your official protocols to the above stated matter. I therefore agree to your terms/requirements that will enhance an immediate transfer of my inheritance fund as applied. Please accept this late application, I hope you will understand and expedite action.

signature: ………………………….
Date……………………………………

…

19th September 2014

Dear Mr Ben Franklin,

I am now terribly troubled that it is not you. How do I know it really is you? It all was fine until you signed your name “Barrister Ben Frank”.

Perhaps you have “hacked” my friend Mr Ben Franklin’s account and are pretending to be him for some terrible purpose. My pastor, the Reverend Rudy Hellzapoppin, has warned me many times that one cannot be too careful “online”.

Pastor Hellzapoppin is particularly fond of Psalms 118:8, which if you really are my good friend Mr Ben Franklin you will know reads “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man”.

I am bothered now. I was really looking forward to going to Lome-Togo to meet with my friend Mr Ben Franklin and to do good work for charity in the name of The Lord. I had even withdrawn my life savings ($19,500) in preparation for my journey.

Now I don’t know what to do. Perhaps I should listen to Pastor Hellzapoppin when he quotes Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever”. He says I should give the money to his Church.

I so wanted to see Lome-Togo.

How can I know for sure you really are my friend Mr Ben Franklin and not some “scammer”?

Yours, in doubt,

Donal Okeeffe.

…

19th September 2014

Dear Donal,

It is me Mr. Ben Franklin or you can call me Barrister Ben Franklin two are okay to call me.

I am Mr. Ben Franklin for sure no one hacked my account.

Check back my precious mail to you for my contact phone which I gave you previously.

My Private phone number…+22899625066, so I am the right and one you started with and this is my private account, no one hacked my account.

Go ahead and complete the form and initiate contact with the paying bank as i instructed you.

As I requested send me your data information to get a legalized letter of invitation for you so that you can use it to get a visa and come down here.

Thanks,

Mr. Ben Franklin or you can call me Barrister Ben Franklin.

…

19th September 2014

Dear Mr Ben Franklin,

The number matches but how do I know a “hacker” or a “scammer” did not steal my friend’s phone?

I wish that I could just call you on the telephone but of course I cannot, thanks to the medication.

A horrible thought occurs to me. How can I be sure that you have not murdered Mr Ben Franklin and taken his place? Perhaps it is even possible that you have skinned him and are now wearing his face? I am told it can happen.

I so wanted to go to Lome-Togo and put poor P.A.’s money to good use but now I am not sure what to do.

In other news, Pastor Hellzapoppin has told me that if I donate my savings to the Church, he will commission a stained glass window depicting me as an angel, even though he is normally opposed to such Popish idolatry.

What should I do?

This is what my neighbour Mr Flanders would call “a dilly of a pickle”.

Donal Okeeffe.

…

19th September 2014

Very Urgent Please

Dear Donal

I am a barrister so that’s why I signed as Barrister Ben Franklin then
I am a man that’s why I signed Mr. Ben Franklin, so which ever way I
want to sign as my name I am free to sign as Mr. Ben Franklin or
Barrister Ben Franklin.

Be aware of this now.

Thanks

Mr. Ben Franklin.

…

19th September 2014

Dear

I am not here to play jokes, so do what is necessary to do.

Thanks

Mr. Ben Franklin

…

19th September 2014

Dear Mr Ben Franklin,

My concern comes from the fact that you signed your name “Barrister Ben Frank” which would be like me signing my name “Donal Okee” which would, of course, be very silly.

Hence I am still not “100%” certain you are on the “up and up”.

But even so, I am a man of Faith and I believe that Mr Ben Franklin is a good man. I think we could do great good in Lome-Togo once we have accessed poor P.A.’s money.

Although Pastor Hellzapoppin is unhappy with me, calling me an “addle-pated dotard” and a “confounded fool bound for a sticky end amongst the heathen,” I have decided to donate $5,000 of my savings to the Church and intend to use the remaining $14,500 to finance my adventure to Lome-Togo.

I will fly to Gnassingbé Eyadéma International Airport and meet with you. There we can sign any paperwork.

What’s a good day to meet up?

Donal Okeeffe

P.S. Do you know any Churches that need stained glass windows?

…

20th September 2014

Dear Donal,

There is no problem about that, so lets move forward, so let me know if you have send the filled form to the paying bank as I advised you.

Again send me your data to get the letter of invitation.

There are many churches here that uses stained glass windows, yes I know many churches here, so would you bringing the stained glass windows while coming down here Gnassingbé Eyadéma International Airport?

Send me your data asap and let me know your flight schedule.

Thanks

Make sure that you have contacted the paying bank before your arrival.

Thanks

Mr. Ben Franklin

…

20th September 2014

Dear Mr Ben Franklin,

No! That would be silly! Can you picture me bringing stained glass windows half the way around the world? I am an old man in questionable heath, Sir. I fear such an undertaking might “finish me off”! Much as I love the Good Lord, I don’t wish to meet Him just yet!

I was thinking maybe I could donate money for stained glass windows to some local churches from my own savings, perhaps in the region of $5,000. That way P.A.’s money can be spent on other charities.

Perhaps if you know some local specialist in producing stained glass windows you might give me their contact details. Pastor Hellzapoppin’s idea appeals to me. I would like nothing more than to be commemorated in stained glass, depicted as the Pastor suggested, in the guise of an angel.

I come from the Great State of Iowa, “The Hawkeye State” and as a proud Iowan, I think it would be very important that the windows incorporate too the Eastern Goldfinch, which as you know is our State bird.

I am no artist, but I have a notion that perhaps I could be depicted with wings of yellow and black (like the Eastern Goldfinch) and holding in my hands a Wild Rose (our State flower) and Bluebunch Wheatgrass (our State grass). What do you think?

As to my flight arrangements, I can fly in the second week of October. I would catch a Greyhound Bus to Cedar Rapids and from there fly to O’Hare International Airport in Chicago. Then I would fly to JFK which as you know was previously called Idlewild but is now named after President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. I confess to having a great fondness for our 35th President, although Pastor Hellzapoppin calls him “nothing but a whoremongering Papist”. I expect we will have to “agree to differ”!

(I do not know who “O’Hare” was but I’ll bet with a name like that he was probably a Papist too!)

Do you know what is the best route from New York to Gnassingbé Eyadéma International Airport?

God bless you, Mr Ben Franklin.

Donal Okeeffe

…

21st September 2014

That hoople-headed son of a bitch Donal Okeeffe

Now you listen to me, you Nigerian asshole.

I got your email address when that stupid prick went to take a leak.

I’m gonna say this once and only once. I been digging my claws into that brain-dead son of a bitch Okeeffe for the past twenty years and I sure as shit ain’t gonna let some Lome-Togo Johnny-Come-Lately motherless fuck steal my goddamn money. Capisce Amigo?

I am a GODDAMN Reverend, you so-called barrister piece of shit. I got the power of the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY in my corner, asshole, and by God and Sonny Jesus I will SMITE YOU DOWN if you get between me and that simp Okeeffe’s bottomless reserves of cash and downright stupidity.

You know I tried to persuade that hoople-head to give me twenty grand for some piece a shit stain glass window? I almost had that asshole’s money in my sweaty paw when you turned his idiot head with some made-up bullshit about an inheritance. You son of a bitch. Have you any idea how much hooch and hookers a man of the cloth could get with that kinda foldin’ money?

Oh you son of a bitch. You sure fucked me up but good and by the Lord God Almighty I got a fucking up with your name on it. You Nigerian asshole.

Stay the fuck away from my mark Okeeffe.

YOUR ONLY WARNING.

Yours in Christ,

The Reverend Obidiah Jebediah Book Of Revelations “Rudy” Hellzapoppin

First Church of Christ the Tin Vagabond

Two Fingers

Iowa.

…

That hoople-headed son of a bitch Donal Okeeffe( READ) ‏

21st September 2014

I receive this email from your so called Reverend Reverend Hellzapoppin

“Now you listen to me, you Nigerian asshole… [the Reverend’s mail copied here]”

…

21st September 2014

Dear Mr Ben Franklin,

Oh Heavens to Murgatroyd! I did not need to read that on the Sabbath Day! That is “beyond the Pale”!

My goodness, Mr Ben Franklin, that is a shocking thing to receive. The “language” out of him!

I hope you did not reply. It is most likely to be a “Scammer” pretending to be the Reverend Hellzapoppin.

The Pastor is indeed a bit of a “character” but he only ever speaks like that when he is after a few jugs of corn mash. (As you know, we in the Great State of Iowa pride ourselves on our corn.)

No, it is almost certainly a “Scammer”. It is probably too early in the season for corn mash. Although I am troubled somewhat by the level of detail he offers. How would he know about the stained glass window?

Unless the Reverend’s email has been “hacked”. Oh God that is a thought that is going to fester.

You have presented me with a terrible moral dilemma now. I do not know if I should tell the Reverend Hellzapoppin about this. He has been powerful “out of sorts” since I told him of my planned visit to Lome-Togo to disburse poor P.A.’s $3.5 million USD and I fear this may set him “over the edge”.

I will pray for you this morning and also I will pray for the poor soul who wrote that terrible email.

For Heaven’s sake do not reply to that email. If it is a “Scammer”, replying would only encourage them.

God bless.

Donal Okeeffe.

PS Did you receive my query about the best route from New York to Gnassingbé Eyadéma International Airport?

…

21st September 2014

Dear  Donal Okeeffe

I received your query but first of all, send me your data information
to get you legalized letter of invitation.

Then if you buy air ticket you will have best way to come down here period.

You should follow my directives and advise to enable you stand at the right way.

Do what I ask you to do, send me your full name, address, country,
phone number, your passport number  and a scan copy of your
international passport.

This is all I need urgent.

Thanks

Mr. Ben Franklin

…

21st September 2014

Dear Mr Ben Franklin,

Well this is turning into a most queer Sunday indeed. Service this morning was delayed by nigh-on an hour when Pastor Hellzapoppin was what you might call “a no show”. In the heel of the hunt, Mayor Stuyvesant and Missus Aspidistra had to repair to the Pastor’s house to try and fetch him. There was an almighty ruckus when they found him in a state of undress and considerable mental disarray. Sheriff Metzger had to be called.

The Reverend was shouting something about African thieves and using some quite shocking profanities. The Sheriff was able to calm him some but as you can imagine, Sunday Service was a “wash-out”.

My lands! I am plumb tuckered out from all the “comings and goings”!

I do not want to put you to unnecessary trouble, Mr Ben Franklin, so instead of bothering you with paperwork, what say I ask Mr Hutz to take a look at the needful? He’s powerful fond of boasting that he runs the largest law firm here in Two Fingers. Mind you, he also runs the only law firm here in Two Fingers!

God’s Blessing this Sabbath Day.

Donal Okeeffe

…

22nd September 2014

Dear

Send me what I need stop all this things.

Thanks

…

VERY URGENT!

30th September 2014

Dear Mr Barrister Mr Ben Franklin,

By now you will no doubt be aware of the tragic events which propelled our usually sleepy town of Two Fingers, Iowa into the international headlines. I can only apologise for the way in which your own good name has been dragged through the mud.

The first thing I should say to you is that Agent Dale Cooper of the FBI tells me that you were almost certainly never in any real danger. Agent Cooper says that he doubts very much that a man with Pastor Hellzapoppin’s history of violent instability would ever have been able to bring so much heavy weaponry onto a commercial aircraft and travel all the way to Lome-Togo without detection.

I should have listened to you when you attempted to alert me to Pastor Rudy’s deterioration. You were right. His account was not “hacked”. It was indeed my Pastor, The Reverend Obidiah Jebediah Book Of Revelations “Rudy” Hellzapoppin of the First Church of Christ the Tin Vagabond, Two Fingers, Iowa who sent you such a vile and abusive email.

According to Quantico’s Dr William Graham, the FBI criminal profiler dealing with Pastor Hellzapoppin, the Reverend became “psychotically fixated” upon you when I told him I was planning on travelling to Lome-Togo and this sad situation apparently “came to a head” last Tuesday when the Reverend shot up Sheriff Metzger’s patrol car.

The situation went from bad to worse when a siege began at the First Church of Christ the Tin Vagabond and the Pastor shouted to the news-crew from WKRP that he was heading for Nigeria “loaded for bear” and was thinking of “stopping by Pennsylvania Avenue for a word with our so-called Commander in Chief too”. Well, as you can imagine, that foolhardy statement attracted the attention of all manner of folks, not least among them the NSA, the FBI and the Secret Service.

Lord Almighty! The amount of firepower trained on our little church that day!

Anyway, you probably know all of this. Thankfully, despite the complete annihilation of our church, the Reverend Hellzapoppin was “taken alive” as they say, and is now detained under heavy medication and constant armed guard in the County Sanitorium where I am told he is still considered “a clear and present danger to national and international security”.

Here is where you can help, Mr Barrister Mr Ben Franklin.

Do you remember the stained glass window Pastor Hellzapoppin initially proposed? Well. Here is how we can help Pastor Hellzapoppin.

I have taken the liberty of drawing a “sketch”. As I told you, I am not much of an artist, but I have depicted myself making peace between you and the Pastor, with the two of you united over the Last Will And Testament of my Dearly Departed relative Mr P.A. Okeeffe.

BUT THERE IS ONE PROBLEM:

I do not know what you look like! For the purposes of “The Sketch” I was forced to replace you (whom I do not what you look like) with the famous African-American actor Mr Forest Whitaker. (I loved him in “The Crying Game”, even if that one scene left me somewhat confused and strangely aroused.)

BUT: I need to fix “The Sketch”!

PLEASE SEND ME A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOURSELF BY RETURN!

(Preferably if you are looking to the left. This way I could just replace Mr Forest Whitaker with you.)

This may well be Pastor Hellzapoppin’s last chance at sanity.

In God’s Name, Mr Barrister Mr Ben Franklin, please help.

I await your photograph.

May God bless and keep you always.

Donal Okeeffe

…

30th September 2014

Dear

Honestly, I do not know your story and i don’t think I can continue this with you, so let just forget about this event.

Thanks

Mr Ben Franklin.

..

15th October 2014

Business Deal

Dear Friend,

I am sorry for intruding into your privacy but please I have an urgent need of your assistance to transfer the sum of $10.5 Million United States Dollars (Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) that belongs to a deceased customer of my Bank who left no next of kin as She died alongside Her family members.

I will give you more details of the deal once you reply this email and if you are not interested, do delete the email as I will respect your decision.

Awaiting your response

Mr.Laurent Basque

…

15th October 2014

Re Business Deal

Dear Mr.Laurent Basque,

I would be most interested in assisting your transfer of $10.5 million.

However, I would have to insist on a “handling charge” as I am currently raising money to finance our campaign to free a good friend who has been wrongly incarcerated due to a silly misunderstanding involving National Security.

I await your urgent reply.

Yours in Christ,

Donal Okeeffe

Campaign To Free Pastor Hellzapoppin

Two Fingers

Iowa

…

15th October 2015

Dear Mr Barrister Mr Ben Franklin,

My most sincere apologies for the very lengthy delay in my replying to you. I have a good excuse, though, as my computer was confiscated by Homeland Security.

As you will no doubt recall, when Pastor Hellzapoppin finally “went around the bend” (as they say!) he sent you a very abusive email while using my trusty old Commodore 64. So they took it away to “take a look under the hood”, which was an ironic turn of phrase as the last time we saw the Reverend he was wearing an orange jumpsuit and he too was under a hood.

The machine was only returned to me this morning by an Agent Philip Coulson. I think he’s with Homeland Security, although he was a bit vague, saying there had been some “restructuring since the events at the Triskellion” (whatever that means).

If you’ve been following the unfortunate Pastor’s story on Fox News (“Scandal As Man Of God Caged In Obamacare Backlash”) you will know that the good Reverend is being held without trial in Guantanamo Bay. It is because of this I have had to postpone my visit to Lome-Togo as I attempt to help “bust him out”.

I have had what I hope is some very good news today. A Mr.Laurent Basque has contacted me and asked that I assist him in transferring $10.5 million. I have said I would be very interested, but only if he pays me a “handling charge” as I need the money to assist the Reverend’s case. I was thinking maybe I should tell him that all of my financial “dealings” are “taken care of” by my old friend Mr Barrister Mr Ben Franklin.

What say you, Sir?

Awaiting your response.

Yours in Christ,

Donal Okeeffe

Campaign To Free Pastor Hellzapoppin

Two Fingers

Iowa

…

15th of October 2014

Dear

Tell him

…

15th of October 2014

Dear Mr Barrister Ben Mr Franklin,

My goodness that was a quick reply!

I will tell him that you are my representative and all queries should be directed to you.

On the matter of my poor relative P.A. Okeeffe, may I ask how that is progressing?

With poor Pastor Hellzapoppin languishing amongst the Mussel-Men in Gauntanamo Bay, I am desperate to access my $1.75 million to put it toward the Campaign To Free Pastor Hellzapoppin. I fear I will have to give up on my dream of being featured as an angel in stained glass windows now, but needs must as they say, when the Devil drives.

I await your urgent reply.

Yours in Christ,

Donal Okeeffe

Campaign To Free Pastor Hellzapoppin

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15th of October 2014

Dear Mr. Donal,

Greetings and thanks for reply

I am very happy to conduct this deal with you as long as you promise me of your reliability to handle the deal with utmost secrecy and diligence till the transfer is made into your Bank account as I have made all necessary arrangements to see that the deal goes through without hitches.

I want you also to know that you do not need to fear about your security in the deal as it will be taken care of by me as long as you follow my instruction while you must remember that you will make some soft expenses in the area of procuring the legal documents that will authenticate your claim as the next of kin to the deceased customer and if you are ready to to fulfill all requirements then get back to me so that I can send to you the text of application which you will fill and return back to me for verification before I will fax it on your behalf to the customer services unit of the Bank.

I want to let you know that you will receive 40% of the 10.5 Million Dollars while I will receive 60% as the initiator of the deal and I will come over to your country with my family to invest and live once the fund is confirmed in your account. I will also need your assistance in investing my share as you know the terrain more than me as I have interest in Real Estates and commercial agriculture.

Awaiting your mail

Have a nice day

Yours

Mr. Laurent Basque

…

15th of October 2014

Dear Mr Laurent Basque,

Well now that’s just dandy news Sir, just dandy. It’s been a mite lonesome here on the farm since the Good Lord called my Lenore home. How many of you will be calling to visit? I can air out the good room. You all will be powerful welcome to stay a spell.

What country do you call home? I’ve not travelled much myself but I have a great friend based in Lome-Togo, Mr Barrister Mr Ben Franklin.

We’ve had some trying times here in Two Fingers, Iowa of late and it would do our little town the world of good to see some new faces here.

I await your reply with anticipation.

Yours in Christ,

Donal Okeeffe

Campaign To Free Pastor Hellzapoppin

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No reply

If you’re going to try this sort of thing yourself, do read this before you engage.

Donal Okeeffe